Here’s what it would be like if Elon Musk bought a burrito like his Twitter acquisition

- June 25, 2022 2 MIN READ
Who knows where his ideas come from...
• Elon Musk spies a burrito cart -> Elon Musk wants a burrito.

• He doesn’t want to pay for it.

• Suggests via tweet that the burrito cart guy, sixty-eight-year-old Miguel Chumacero, should just let him have the burrito. Specifically, the ‘Giga-Chad’ Trinidad Scorpion Chilli Breakfast Burrito.

• Burrito cart guy unimpressed with early Twitter polls results. 649K votes, 73% in favour. Demands $2.99 for the burrito.

• Musk takes the burrito and eats it anyway. Refuses to pay.

• Sen. Elizabeth Warren tweets, “Let’s change the rigged system so Elon Musk will actually pay taxes and stop freeloading off Miguel, the burrito cart guy.”

• Elon Musk tweets that billionaires shouldn’t have to pay for burritos or taxes because that’s crazy. Offers to buy the burrito cart for a dogecoin.

• Miguel, the burrito guy, says no. Explains cryptocurrencies are a medium of exchange designed to enrich creators and early investors at the expense of gullible late comers. Adds dogecoin, in particular, is simply an animal-themed Ponzi scheme in which the individual ‘coins’ are on a devaluation trajectory south of the $2.99 burrito Musk just ate.

• Musk changes his Twitter name to “Lorde Edge” and posts: “LOL. Why Chumacero pp look like chimichurri, Miguela?” and walks away from the burrito cart and the offer to buy.

• Elon Musk is still hungry. Wants another burrito.

• Returns to the burrito cart. Offers $44B for the cart and all of its contents, but Miguel refuses to sell “to a crazy man”.

• Miguel, the burrito guy, says if Musk wants a burrito, he has to work for it. Texts his brother-in-law Rodrigo that he doesn’t trust this crazy man who is always picking fights at the burrito cart and talking about how rich he is, but he never has any money on him. “No peso, no burrito.”

• Musk refuses to work for his burrito. Declines Miguel’s offer of a job as a grill scraper and renews offer to buy the burrito cart outright for $44B in cash and equity.

• Burrito cart board of directors discusses the offer in telephone hook up. Miguel’s wife Rosalita and his brother-in-law Rodrigo approve of the $44B proposal. Rodrigo (who originally lent Miguel the six hundred and thirty-two dollars he needed to buy the second-hand sandwich cart from a County Sherriff’s proceeds-of-crime auction) especially keen.

• News of the deal breaks.

• Half of Twitter declares they will never eat burritos again.

• Burrito embargo collapses by lunchtime.

• Elon Musk set to buy a former sandwich cart (including gas bottle and comestibles) for $44B.

• Accuses Miguel of refusing to provide sufficient information about the number of Trinidad Scorpion chilli’s in the proprietary ‘Giga-Chad’ breakfast burrito. Tweets that Miguel has a severe fake chilli problem.

• Closure is still outstanding at the time of publication.