Technologies we need in the First World to facilitate further laziness

- November 29, 2013 3 MIN READ

Technology has been sewn into the fabric of our culture. In fact, society and technology is co-evolving in such a way that we cannot understand one without the other. But before we design the next genius phone, let’s consider some technologies we actually do need. And by ‘need’ I mean so we can actively become less active.

We’re not necessarily lazy in the sense that we’re sitting on the couch with a plate of nachos watching Home and Away and Dancing With The Stars. More like, we’re sitting behind our laptops, next to our smartphones, with a tablet on our laps, working far beyond our traditional 9-to-5.

Therefore, I propose we start working on building the following technologies.

1. The Almighty Fat Melter

Who’s got time for healthy diet and exercise? We’ve got calls to make, presentations to deliver, reports to write, and many more tedious tasks. If we’re lucky, we may be able to squeeze in a few minutes of sleep.

You’ve probably seen many advertisements extolling how Electronic Abdominal Stimulators can melt your belly fat. Most of these advertisements also claim that their electronic abdominal stimulators can flatten your tummy to reveal your six pack; and that by using the technology for an X number of minutes is equivalent to 1,000 ab crunches.

Well, it doesn’t work – so let’s build something that does.

If you’re thinking ‘that’s incredibly lazy’, by all means, hand write your letters instead of sending emails, go to a physical library instead of an online search engine, and use payphones instead of smartphones.

The key benefit of such a technology will to be that you maintain a healthy weight and therefore reduce the risk of weight-related health complications.

Chop chop, engineers! I just ate four slices of orange and poppy seed cake to accelerate my speed of work, and can already feel 30 centimetres being added to my waistline.

2. The Anti-Sleep (No Need for Primo Crystal Meth) Chip 

Sleep is far too time-consuming. We need eight hours of sleep to function properly throughout the day. Of course, we can either not sleep, and get work done at a significantly slower pace, or sleep and not get work done on time. Neither option is good.

How many startup founders wish there were more hours in the day? There would be if we didn’t need sleep.

If we could build a technology that eliminates our need to sleep eight hours a day, imagine how much more productive we would be. We would be super-human, literally.

We don’t need something that just keeps us awake (there are plenty of illicit drugs that should that), we need our brains to be able to rest adequately in less amount of time. We need something that can be implanted into our brains (or preferably something less invasive), that re-programmes the way we function.

3. The ‘Google in Your Brain’ chip

Have you ever asked someone a question only to be responded with ‘Google it’. Well, who’s even got time to Google things these days? Typing it into the search bar, then spending a nano-second waiting for search results, and then having to click through the links for your answer, is clearly too much effort.

Now, if we had a Google chip implanted into our brains (or once again, something preferably less invasive), we can Google things in our heads. This would make everyone a genius. No student would ever have to fail an exam again.

It’s time we became true cyborgs.

4. The Digital Telepathy Chip For the Wimp

Some say telepathy exists, others are more sceptical. Either it doesn’t exist (which is a shame), or it does, and only a few people know how to practice it.

While I’m a huge fan of confrontation, it’s not everyone’s cup of tea.

This technology would allow people to send messages to another person brain-to-brain via Wi-Fi signals indicating their intentions. For instance, you can tell a pushy salesperson to back off because you’re not interested in buying or tell your boss to stop being unreasonably demanding, without having to say it out loud. It’s basically a quiet form of confrontation.

These technologies, I believe, would be incredibly beneficial. We could up our laziness a few hundred levels.

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